This week I published a post about my missed post that I kind of hyped about on twitter. Turns out that post got to me bit deeper than I originally thought. Dealing with body issues and insecurities is not only an issue that I've recently had. It's something I've dealt with my whole life. It sucks. Many, many people deal with this kind of thing every day and for many years. Just yesterday I reconfirmed plans with someone for this weekend and the only thing I am worried about is that I am not the same weight I used to be a few years ago. Nor that I won't look like the last photo I posted of myself on social media. I am not a vain person at all, the thought of being rejected by a friend, or just even thinking that they will be making hypothetical remarks about me has been giving me anxiety for the past few days. I think it has to do with the fact that as a woman we are usually valued on our beauty, weight, and vanity (which is fkn insane and ridiculous). I have always been called either too skinny, or that my breasts are too big, questioned about my sexuality, my weight, intelligence, among other things. When I was a size 0 I was even called fat, compared to other family members, women, being called out on "my problem areas" not just by men but women... women who were "friends" and family which is way worse. Just 3-4 months ago I ran into an aunt at a clothing store and she made a comment on my appearance. the fact that she only sees me with t shirts, or that if I lost a little weight perhaps I could wear less loose fitting clothing. I just said "ok, Thanks" when in reality my brain was going "wtf?, how fkn dare you, why are you nit picking me? you are supposed to be my family." It made me livid and I'm not going to lie, since this conversation last happened I haven't really wanted to keep up with her. It also doesn't help that I do my best to avoid conflict as much as possible (I get it from my mother)I try to act and be a really tough person who is not scared of anything but I am, sometimes words are more hurtful than words and sometimes those words stick with you for a really long time and do plenty of damage. I am not sure If this was a rant or a way fro some of you to learn from me and not do what Ive done and avoid the issue until it's more present but thanks for reading. Thanks anyway. Kitzia
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I should probably say that I am on anti depressants, Yesterday I did not take it. I was not feeling myself and felt out of it completely. I was still trying to be responsible but the moments when I was alone I was completely out of it. I wrote this after meeting with a specialist and after a nap. Disclaimer: I do have people around it is just how I am feeling at times. beware I wrote down feels.. I just want to say that I "MIGHT" take a little time off from social media. I wanted to be vocal about the reason why. As I have mentioned in the past. I struggle from both anxiety & depression. I have felt that I had control of my depression for the past 2 years. I have not had a panic/ anxiety attack in years. Last night I had another one it wasn't as bad as they had been in the past. After meeting up with a doctor today I was told I had a depression relapse. Many of you are probably asking what that is. What my understanding of it is. That the little voice in my head came back. O mean its always been there but it actually affected me more than usual. Its been messing with my sleeping, eating habits, day to day responsibilities, Self care, hygiene, its even made some physical issues worse. My mind is not where it needs to be. I feel weird, numb, among other things. Just know I am doing my very best. It may not seem like it and I will probably bash myself all the time but I am doing my best at the moment. I am seeking help and I am trying to do my best. I have been trying to talk to people, loved ones. I feel like no one cares or wants to spend time with me. I dont speak to many people as it is. I have been trying to avoid the relapse. It's difficult when the voice in your head always seems to be right. Its not fun. Its tiring and sometimes i just want to lay down and space out. Many times i want to cry but I have to suck it up. Last night I cried and i knew that i had to seek help for my child. He needs me. He is all I have. I am writing this from both weakness and strength to remind myself that I can do this. That I am strong enough. To remind you all that you too are stronger. My question is do you ever feel like this? If you suffer with either what do you do to cope? |
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